


Unstable...

by ToshiChan



Series: Lavi/Yuu Week 2018 [3]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury Recovery, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder- PTSD (implied)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 01:42:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14153943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToshiChan/pseuds/ToshiChan
Summary: They rescue Lavi. It’s ugly and horrible. And then there’s after.





	Unstable...

They rescue Lavi.

It’s ugly and horrible and there’s deaths and near deaths and Allen appears at one stage and then vanishes again and they run.

They run and they run.

There’s no time to check if Lavi’s even breathing. He was when they found him, but it’s bad. It’s really bad. Kanda holds him in his arms, trusting Lenalee to have his back. He won’t trust anyone else to hold Lavi, so he has to trust everyone else to protect him while he does. Mugen hangs on his hip and it’s weird not to be holding his Innocence in his hand, ready to act and fight. But if it means than Lavi is safe, then he’ll deal with it.

 

…

 

Nobody expects Lavi to be fine, after everything he’s been through. But it’s still shocking to see him so wrecked, so torn apart, so not Lavi. When they’d gotten back to the order, Lavi had woken up and he’d screamed and screamed and screamed. He didn’t recognise them, not at first. He was so scared. And so hurt.

He still is.

Kanda never goes near the infirmary, even when he’s injured.

Lenalee goes everyday.

She’s so optimistic, so hopeful that she can make everything better. Kanda wants to tell her to give up, that the Lavi they knew is gone and the one in the infirmary is someone else entirely. But at the same time, he can’t do that. Because she has hope. And somehow, he has too. Maybe because of her. Or maybe because he hates to see Lavi like this.

So fragile. So unstable.

Lavi wasn’t made to be like this.

Or maybe he was.

Kanda sort of realises, as time passes, that he didn’t really know Lavi all that well. He knew a persona, a tool Lavi used to be a better Bookman. Kanda knows that Lavi had started to have doubts about being impartial all the time. And that somewhere along the way, his smile had started to feel more real.

But all he ever did was smile.

And now he doesn’t anymore.

Lavi felt like he had to put on a cheery mask, because the world was hell.

Now he doesn’t bother anymore.

Nobody knows what happened to Lavi when he was captured by the Noah. Bookman would’ve been able to say, only he’d disappeared. He wasn’t there when they went for Lavi. According to Lenalee, he wasn’t dead. She’d asked once and Lavi had just shaken his head.

“Does he talk?” Kanda had asked at the time.

“Sometimes.” Lenalee had replied.

The Lavi Kanda knew talked all the time.

Kanda never thought he’d miss Lavi’s voice.

 

...

 

“Go see him.” Lenalee pleads now. “He needs you.”

“No he doesn’t.” Kanda swings Mugen back and forth. He’s building up a nice sweat. His muscles burn just right as he pictures running his blade through an Akuma’s skull. “I’ll just upset him somehow.”

“You have no faith in yourself.” Lenalee huffs. “Lavi likes you. A lot. He just wants you to sit with him.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“...well no. But I can tell!”

“Forget it.” Kanda growls. “If he needs someone so much, you go see him.”

“I see him every day Kanda. And he’s sad! And miserable! I know you hate the whole concept of having feelings but you two were close before everything happened. You’re friends! He needs you!”

“He’ll get over it on his own.”

“No...he won’t.”

Kanda startles, looks up at Lenalee and sees she’s crying. All this time, she’s been so strong. She hasn’t cried, hasn’t complained. She’s diligently split her times between missions, tracking down Allen and Lavi. With renewed strength, Lenalee has united the Order. She brings life to the dark corridors. She smiles when no one else will. And now she’s crying, and it’s Kanda’s fault.

It always is.

“Fine, I’ll go see him.”

The tears don’t stop falling but Lenalee smiles through them.

“Thank you Kanda.”

 

…

 

Kanda knows seeing Lavi for the first time since the rescue is not going to be easy. He’s heard the stories. Lenalee’s kept him updated. He’s prepared. He’s unbreakable.

And yet he sees Lavi and wants to crumble anyway.

Lavi lies in the infirmary, paler than ever before. Usually there’s no keeping him in a bed. Even when he’s really tired, Lavi will fall asleep anywhere. But it looks like he hasn’t moved in months. Has he forgotten how to?

_“He just sleeps. And then he has nightmares. And he cries. But then he just sleeps again.”_

Lenalee’s voice drifts into Kanda’s ear, reporting something she’d said a few weeks ago.

Lavi looks weak. The sheets hide most of his body just there’s a long scar running down his cheek and his neck has a fresh white bandage wrapped around it. His hair is long, longer than ever before. It sort of suits him, but it sickens Kanda to know that Lavi probably won’t allow sharp objects near his head which has resulted in the long locks. His face is thin. He was never very solid before but it’s worse now.

They must have starved him.

“Oi.” Kanda tries but his voice breaks and it’s barely audible. He coughs and tries again. “OI!”

He’d thought Lavi was asleep, but the boy jerks so violently at the noise that Kanda realises he’d been awake when he’d walked in.

He waits for Lavi to say something, before remembering that he rarely ever talked these days.

This is pathetic. Before, Lavi was the one who talked. And Kanda was the one who stayed mostly silent. Now they’re both mute, and the quiet spreading between them is uncomfortable.

Kanda sits down on the end of the bed. He rests his hands in his lap. He tries to relax, finds he can’t.

Lavi watches him through his one green eye, wide and unblinking.

He’s afraid.

“When do you get out of here?” Kanda tries.

Lavi shrugs and wobbles a hand a bit. The universal sign for ‘who knows’ or even ‘I know but I don’t think I can explain it so I’ll pretend I don’t know.’ Could be either.

“Are you in pain?” Kanda bites out. He’s not made for this. For casual conversation about people’s condition. This was Lavi’s job. He did the talking. He always did the talking. He chatted away until people relaxed and then everyone was laughing at some joke he’d said. Kanda skulked in the background and never laughed.

This time, Lavi hesitates at the question. Kanda can see him struggling to work out what his answer should be. He opens his mouth, closes it, swallows and then opens it again. Nothing comes out though and frustration blooms to life on Lavi’s face. It’s gone before Kanda can truly register it, the blankness settling back.

“Sometimes?” Kanda offers. Lavi nods, looking relieved. “Not always physical?”

Lavi pauses, and then nods again.

“Feels like the whole world is out of place and no matter what you do, there’s always something not quite right?” The words pour out.

Lavi peers at Kanda, curious. He wants to know why Kanda knows this.

But how can Kanda tell him? How can Kanda tell him that that was how he felt when he was reborn, fashioned from the brain of someone he used to be and yet didn’t either. He’s two different people, stretched tight on a slowly dying body. The woman he loved, the boy he loved, they were one and the same and they’re both gone. The whole world doesn’t feel right anymore and no amount of fighting Akuma and the Noah and the Millenium Earl will change that.

Now Lavi’s in the same boat as him.

It makes Kanda angry, and miserable, and helpless.

He loved someone once.

And now there’s nobody.

_There’s Lavi…_

Kanda thumps a fist down on the bed, angry at his own uselessness. Lavi recoils, fear splashing over his face, so clear and obvious. It doesn’t go anywhere this time. It stays there as Lavi trembles. He’s scared again.

Of Kanda.

“Shit, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to...urgh.” Kanda stumbles over the words. They twist and catch in his throat.

Lavi’s so different now. He’s scared of Kanda. He used to be one of the only people who wasn’t. But Kanda’s imposing figure, quick temper and harsh actions mean that right now, he’s just as terrifying as those who captured Lavi.

He hates himself.

“I’m gonna go.” He hears himself say, and stands.

A hand lashes out, quick as a whip and catches his sleeve. Kanda looks at Lavi’s hand, pale and covered in so many scars. Surely not all of them were from the Noah.

Kanda swallows down bile that rises in his throat. No, of course they weren’t. They were courtesy of Lavi himself.

“Don’t...don’t go.” Lavi whispers. That voice...it isn’t his. It’s quiet and shy and scared. It’s not Lavi’s voice, so full of cheer and warmth and _love._ His hand creeps up until his fingers are wrapped around Kanda’s. His grip is weak.

Kanda can’t leave him.

He never could.

He risked the entire Order, just to get Lavi back. And he got back a different Lavi, but maybe it’s still Lavi as well. People don’t just change into other people, Allen aside. Lavi’s different yes, but he’s still that bright, beautiful boy that Kanda looked at and felt his heart soften, ever so slightly.

“Tell me something.” Lavi pleads. He can’t quite look at Kanda and Kanda can’t dredge up the anger he’d usually feel. He can’t call Lavi a coward.

Lavi’s the bravest of them all. He held out for so long. He’s allowed to be a little unstable, a little torn apart now. He never let himself be weak when he was captured, so he’s doing it now. He was so, so strong.

And he still is.

He’s so strong because he’s alive and he’s struggling through each day. Kanda knows now, what true strength is.

It’s living, even when you don’t want to.

“I’m not good at talking.” Kanda whispers. “But you already know that. You always used to laugh at me when I tried. But I can sit with you.”

Lavi nods. He doesn’t let go of Kanda’s hand.

Kanda finds himself talking anyway, as day turns to night. He tells Lavi about the latest experiment Komui is working on, how if it’s another Komlin, he’ll slice its head off before it has a chance to do anything. He talks about how Jerry misses Lavi, and makes his favourite foods to force feed to sad exorcists and finders. Lavi smiles at this. Apparently he doesn’t eat much, and when he does, it’s a mush of nutrients. Kanda tells Lavi a story about Lenalee and Timothy trying to play chess when neither know how to very well, and how Reever got sick of them whining to him that the other was cheating, when they both were and didn’t even realise it.

He talks about the Akuma that die every day, the Innocence they find. Lavi’s own innocence miraculously survived, but Lavi hasn’t taken it back up yet. He’s afraid, he whispers. Afraid to fight again.

Kanda wants to tell him that it’s fine to be scared, that he’s allowed to be.

He can’t find the right words though, so he settles for running a hand through Lavi’s long hair and he thinks Lavi understands.

Kanda loses his voice in the early hours of the morning. Lavi’s dozing off, nearly gone to the world of dreams and nightmares. Kanda moves to leave again, but Lavi’s hand tightens around his own.

“Kanda…” he says hoarsely. “Thank You...I...I-”

“I know.” Kanda says.

And he does.

Because he does too.

He has for a long time now.

“My Yuu.” Lavi laughs and it’s wet and he’s crying a little, but Kanda’s sure they’re tears of joy.

“Lavi.” Kanda smiles, and it’s small but it’s there and it’s natural.

“Stay.” Lavi breathes.

And Kanda does.

**Author's Note:**

> Day five of Laviyuu week. I've been writing fics some days and lil short things the other days which you can find on my tumblr @ToshiTophChan
> 
> Always wanted to write a Lavi gets rescued fic, bc I very badly want my fave to live!!!! Written in a different style to usual so I hope it's okay. Please leave a kudos or comment if you enjoyed, they really encourage and support me and I love it!!!


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